I’m ready to continue my story for Jack, but a little sweat seems to be beading at his hairline.
“Can I get you some water?” I ask, starting to feel concern this isn’t going well.
Jack is tapping his foot but looks me directly in the eye. “No, I’m okay. Anxious to hear what happens next.”
“After dinner, I excused myself early. The Duchess assumed I was still tired from the journey, which worked for me. I was tired, but not in the way she thought. All through dinner, I listened to one insipid conversation after another. I was tired of my shallow life, of not having love, and of putting on a daily performance. With my head, and spirits down, I started the long walk back to my room.
Halfway down the hallway, I raised my head and saw a figure leaning against the wall next to my door. In that moment, I knew exactly what I was going to do. Reputation be damned.
“Good evening, Monsieur.” I said, once I had closed the distance between us.
“Madame,” he paused, “you will think me presumptuous. I only wanted to say good night, but look at you, you take my breath away.”
“Won’t you please come in?”
Julien was stunned, his eyes wide. He must have thought I’d be a difficult conquest. Being a well-born gentleman, his visible shock was momentary. He smiled, peering down the hallway past me, I assumed to make sure no one else was about.
I opened the door and entered the room. Julien right behind me. I felt delightfully excited. My breath was shallow, with a not unpleasant nervous twinge in my stomach. He closed the door and I asked him to lock it.
“I admit you have taken me off guard, Madame and have me at a disadvantage, all be it, a happy one. This is not what I expected.”
“Let me be frank, Monsieur. This escape is a short one. I’m tired of games, I play them all day, every day. I long to be real with someone, even if it is only this once. And, I think you can call me Millicent.”
Just as Julien looked as if he would devour me, I turned away. I might have been ready to jump into bed with a man I just met, but a steadying glass of wine, never hurt anyone. After I poured two glasses, I handed one to him.
“You are very quiet, have you changed your mind?” I ask.
Julien drank down his wine in one gulp. Suddenly, he seemed almost nervous. Perhaps he wasn’t quite the ladies’ man I thought him to be.
“No, my dear, I have not changed my mind about you. Are you certain this is what you want? You have so much more to lose than I, if anyone were to find out.”
“I am sure,” I reassured him. “I fear being discovered, of course. What scares me more is living a life that has never once known desire.”
He nodded. “Ah. Your husband never showed you what pleasure is. In many ways, this will be like your first time.”
I looked away, suddenly ashamed of myself.
“Please don’t look away. You’ve nothing to feel shame for. This is your husband’s shame, not yours. Had he so wished, he could have made you happy. But then, if he had, perhaps I would not be faced with such an honor now.”
Julien moved swiftly toward me. His eyes on mine. He took the wine glass from me, setting it on the table. Without a word, he began to remove my jewelry, quickly but with care. All the while, I could only look at his face, his eyes, his mouth. His fingers softly brushed my neck, only for a moment, which was maddening. Finished with this task, he unpinned my hair, sending my blonde curls, tumbling down my back.
His deep, blue eyes locked with mine. “Don’t be nervous.”
“I’m not.”
I was telling the truth since all unease had left. Only desire so acute remained. It was almost painful. This was a new sensation for me, I had never felt anything but revulsion during this act. I suddenly knew what desire was, and I never wanted to go without it again.
I gripped his waistcoat, drawing him nearer. In a flash, Julien had my face in his hands, his mouth on mine. With our mouths open and my tongue sliding over his, I was feverish. There was no slow burn, rather I felt as if my whole body were his for the taking. I tried to only feel the physical sensation. I didn’t want to feel emotionally close to him, but I feared that I would fail in this, miserably.
It felt like it took an eternity to peel off the layers of our clothing. We fell into the bed. With one hand on my lower back, pressing me to him, and one hand massaging my breast, he began to kiss his way down my neck. I felt as if I was coming to life. Julien continued to kiss and lick his way down my body, pausing to lave at my breasts. My head swam as he closed his mouth over my sex, sucking and licking. I never knew I could feel such intense pleasure. With my hand on the back of his head, I began to move my hips. I no longer had any control over myself.
I moaned, arching my back. With his hands, he reached around and grasped my buttocks, pushing himself into me. Before I knew what was happening, I felt a tidal wave of pleasure crashing through my body in a jerking spasm. I cried out as Julien wrung out every drop of my orgasm. Pushing back, he crawled his way up my body. I pulled his mouth to mine as he entered me. I moaned in delight. We moved in time together, hands everywhere, mouth on my face and neck. Moments later I was crying out, again in pleasure, and this time Julien was crying out with me.
My lover collapsed in a heap by my side. My legs felt deliciously numb, and I tingled all over. Had anyone tried to explain this to me, I would have thought them liars. To feel such intense passion and joy, it was overwhelming.
We made love twice more, before Julien rose to leave. I could make love with him for an eternity. Alas, he had to leave before the household began to stir. Knowing this didn’t make it any easier to let him go.
“My darling, sleep now, and I will see you at breakfast. It will take all my strength not to sweep you up in my arms.” He slipped on his shoes, knelt on the bed, and swooped down to kiss me.
“It will be torture,” I said, half asleep already.”
Jack interrupts me, again. “You were prepared to give up everything for him, after having just met him? You must have been painfully unhappy.”
“I was. I know it must seem crazy, but I wasn’t living a real life. My life didn’t truly begin until I met Julien.”
“It doesn’t seem crazy. He came into your life at just the right moment.” Jack continues tapping away with his foot, but he also smiles then nods for me to continue.
“The day was a painfully slow one. Julien and I put on our best show, no one seemed to have guessed what had taken place.
Once night had arrived, and as soon as it was safe, Julien was in my bed once more. Our second night was in no way diminished, instead, it was better.
As Julien was once again preparing to leave me, I couldn’t help but say, “Only one more night.”
Words could not express the anguish I felt. Julien, sitting on the edge of the bed, dropped his head into his hands.
“I have doomed myself, Millicent. I knew when I saw you, you would be the end of me if I allowed it, and I have.”
I sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his chest.
“You’re not the one who must return to a dreaded husband, at least you are free. What can we do?”
“We will think of something, for I know now I cannot be without you.”
My heart soared at his words. His love was all I ever wanted, and I had finally found it. Looming over all this delirious happiness was the specter of my husband, complete with a life I could not choose for myself.
During the mid-morning painting lesson, where Julien and I had to once again play act at being strangers, Clea leaned over to look at my canvas.
“Don’t look, it’s awful,” I laughed.
“Oh, it’s not so bad, you just need more lessons. You must have Charles commission Monsieur Delacroix to paint your portrait. While at your chateau, he can continue to teach you.”
I felt as if I could fly. “Clea, you are a genius.”
I kissed her on both cheeks. She laughed and told me I was a silly girl. Perhaps I was, but I now knew how to prolong my affair. I would take as much time as I could get.
That night, our last at Clea’s chateau, I told Julien my plan. He liked the idea but was uncertain we could continue our liaison under my husband’s nose.
“It is still only a temporary reprieve, we must be even more careful. It will be dangerous. Surely your husband will have his eye on us. However, at least we can be together, and this will buy us some time to make a more permanent plan.”
“Permanent?” Unable to believe my ears, I held my breath.
“Yes, my love. You are it for me, the only woman I have ever felt so deeply for. It may seem foolish, after so short a time, but I speak from the heart. My dream would be to make you my wife, but it is extremely unlikely your husband would allow you a divorce, as you’ve said. The only solution I see, is running away together and leaving the country. I have thought all day about this, and how we can make a living. It will be a hardship for you. But, painting your portrait will allow us some time to think on this further.”
My heart leapt at his words. Julien had been thinking of how we could be together, always. This was more than I had dreamt to hope for. To run away with him sounded so romantic. I would be giving up a lavish lifestyle, but I would gladly have lived in a cave if it meant spending my life with him. I never felt our choice was rash. Instead, I felt as if for the first time I was being true to myself. Julien’s last name, Delacroix, means those who live at a crossroads. That was certainly where we found ourselves.
The plan was for me to return home, gush about the fabulous portrait Julien painted of Clea, and how everyone who was anyone, wanted one of their own. My vain husband would not be able to resist. Charles would feel he too must have a portrait of his wife painted immediately. Bragging about how he secured the most up and coming painter in all of France to paint his wife, would give Charles a new reason to be proud of himself. The portrait would become a centerpiece, another item Charles could point at, to show off his wealth and brilliance.
Before leaving me early our last morning, Julien removed the gold band he wore on his little finger and placed it on the ring finger of my right hand.
“This was my mother’s ring. One day soon, I will move it to your left hand.”
Leaving him was painful, a cold fear sat in my belly. I attributed it to the uncertainty of our future. But, once I arrived home, everything went exactly as I had predicted. I told Charles about Monsieur Delacroix, how the others in attendance over the weekend were attempting to outbid each other, hoping to secure the honor of a portrait painted by him.
“Charles, you should see the portrait of Clea. It is exquisitely beautiful. Everyone wants a painting by this Delacroix.”
My ridiculous husband practically fell over himself getting to his desk.
“No one shall outbid me. This painter shall be here in a fortnight.”
Charles was true to his word. This was the one and only time during our marriage when I was pleased with him. Of course, he had no idea where my real pleasure in all this lay.
Julien arrived at the chateau precisely thirteen days after I had. If I was a superstitious woman, this may have made me anxious. As it was, nothing could dampen my spirits.
When the carriage bearing my love pulled up to the front of the drive, I could barely contain my excitement. I wanted to run to him, to drag him upstairs. Instead I kept my hands clasped tightly behind my back. My usual veil of serenity in place.
Charles was in the stable, overseeing the breeding of a new thoroughbred. He wouldn’t bother himself with someone as lowly as a painter. The less time he spent with us, the better.
Our nightly rendezvous continued. I feigned a cough, to keep Charles from my room. The man was terrified of illness to the point of mental distress, so this was easily done. However, this hardly seemed necessary, as Charles had not visited me once since my return. I hoped this meant he was no longer interested, or perhaps it meant he had a lover of his own. Either way, it was a win for me. About a week after Julien’s arrival, Charles left on extended business. Our plan was working perfectly.
We enjoyed bliss for seven weeks, constantly in each other’s company. Our days were spent in the bright, airy conservatory, where Julien had set up his studio. We would only break for meal times and a daily walk of the grounds. In the evening, I would make my way silently to his room. We felt this was the safest course of action, as I could more readily find an excuse for walking around my own home in the middle of the night. It began to feel a little too easy, too comfortable.
One evening, after an exhausting day of painting for Julien, I was about to make my way to his rooms. I was heady with excitement, even though I had done this at least a dozen times. Lighting a small candle, I gently opened my door, then crept as quietly as a mouse, to the room of my love. A sound on the staircase startled me. I blew out the candle and pressed myself against a wall. My heart beat, unsteadily, while I waited to see if someone was there. However, the sound proved to be nothing. I felt a little thrill and smiled to myself.
Seeing would be more difficult now. I wasn’t worried, I knew every inch of this hallway. When I had, at last, closed Julien’s door behind me, I tossed the unlit candle on a table. Slipping into his bed, I moved up behind him, placing my hand on his chest. He was fast asleep. I couldn’t help but be amused. I told him he was working himself too hard.
I felt the sweetness of this moment. Cuddling in, even closer, I lay my head down next to his.
“You fell asleep.” Jack jumps up. “Why do I know these things, Millicent? I don’t believe in past lives.”
I don’t want to point out he didn’t believe in vampires until tonight, but I keep my teasing to myself.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Jack. Should we stop for now?”
He rubs at his eyes. “No, no.”
Jack gestures sharply with his hand for me to go on. He is freaking out, but I continue.
Upon waking, I knew I made a mistake. I never fell asleep in his room, it was too risky.
Julien stirred, turning toward me. “Darling, it’s morning. What happened?”
“Clearly, I fell asleep,” I said, a tad snappishly. “I’m sorry. You were sleeping, I just wanted to lie with you, for a moment. What do I do?”
“Hold on.” Julien opened his door and peered down the hallway. “Hurry,” he said, beckoning me forward.
He kissed me quickly, then ushered me out. “Silly girl. I’ll see you for breakfast.”
I swiftly walked down the long hall, thankfully reaching my room without incident.
Before I could open the door, it was opened for me.
“My lady, there you are,” said my maid.
“Yes, I thought I heard a strange noise and went to look about.”
“Yes, my lady,” she answered.
She was too smart a girl to ask any questions, still I had to wonder how much she knew.
During this time, our love deepened. We spoke often of what we would do, when the time came. Trying to secure a divorce was impossible, and therefore out. I would have no grounds, save my own infidelity. The only thing I could count on was being shamed, stripped of my fortune and reputation. Charles would, very likely, send me to a convent or throw me out on the streets.
The only real option, was to run away. Far away, where we could start over. I was ready to leave immediately. But, Julian felt his portrait of me would be his masterpiece, inspired as never before by the love he felt for the subject. He needed to see it finished. I reluctantly agreed, calming my fears by dreaming of our future.
We would never be able to legally marry, but if we ran far enough, changing our identities, which wasn’t difficult in a non-technological age, we could pretend to be whoever we wanted. In the meantime, I would hoard as much of my own money and gold, as I could. Taking my jewels to sell, would also give us a good amount of money to live on.
I was not the only one giving up everything. Julien was a new favorite at court, he had come a long way in his life. We were both making sacrifices and were both happy to do so.
As our second month together at the chateau was coming to an end, I had news both exciting and terrifying. I was with child.”