Molly
The closer we get to the farm, the more nervous I become. I haven't seen Christian since I ran from him last night and I'm scared, scared of how he's going to look at me, scared of what he's going to say, and more than anything, scared about what I'm going to think and feel when I see him. I feel so torn, so confused, and my head is a mess.
Then there's Jack. He, along with Tom, saw what happened. He was at the bedroom window watching us while Tom had gone to the front door after he heard Christian call after me. I already know how things are with Tom, but what about Jack? What if he thinks badly of me? I love Jack, he's like a little brother to me and I'd hate to have him think badly of me, to not look at me the same again.
"Stop overthinking things, baby girl. Everything is going to be ok." Tom's soothing voice brings me back to the present as we turn onto the final dirt road that leads to the farm. He reaches across and takes my hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. I nod but don't say a word. I take a deep breath as I try to hold back the tears that are stinging the back of my eyes, but I fail miserably as they fall down my face with uncontrolled force and soon I'm a sobbing, mumbling, shaking mess who can't even speak.
I feel the truck come to a stop and see that Tom has pulled over onto the side of the road. He gets out of the truck and walks over to my side and opens the door. "Move over sweetheart." I shift my bum over so that I'm now sitting in the middle of the front seats and Tom jumps in, sits next to me, and then pulls me into him and hugs me tight.
"Let it all out darling' I've got you." He doesn't say anything more, just gently rubs my back while rocking me back and fore while I cry like a baby. I'm not sure how long we stay like that, but because of how soaked Tom's shirt feels under my face, I'm guessing it's been a while, the poor guy is going to need to change that.
Finally, after what feels like forever, my tears stop and my body stops shaking so much. I pull away from Tom slightly and rest my head back on the headrest behind me. Tom leans forward as he looks through the glove box and then hands me some tissues and a bottle of water. I pull down the sun visor and use the small mirror that's attached to it to check out my face. My eyes are bright red and puffy, my cheeks are pink and my lips are puffy and dry. Hell, I just look like a mess.
I use the tissues to clean my face up the best I can before drinking almost half the bottle of water before even taking a break. "Feeling any better Molly dolly?" I look up at Tom's face to see his gentle smile and it helps soothe some of the hurt that I feel inside. I don't know where I would be without this man. I can't imagine my life without him, nor do I want to.
Once I'm done cleaning myself up the best that I can, Tom turns in his seat so that he's facing me. "Talk to me darlin'. He is such a caring guy. I remain quiet, but it's not because I'm being rude or ignoring him. It's because I don't even know where to start. I take a few slow deep breaths as my body still works to calm down. "This is me, Molly, you know you can tell me anything."
"I know darling and you know I always do, I... I just don't know where to start... I'm so confused. Everything is a mess. Jesus my head hurts." I rub my temples to try and soothe the pounding headache that's just appeared like a sledgehammer and I want to kiss Tom when he hands me some painkillers and my water.
"Want to know what I think?" He's going to tell me whether I want to hear it or not, but maybe it will help to hear his thoughts. Most of the time, he seems to know me better than myself anyway. "Sure." I nod while finishing off the bottle of water. "I think you're scared and that's ok. You've been through so much, maybe even more than you even realized, so to even think about a new future... a new love... that has to be terrifying." I go to speak but he holds up his hand, stopping me.
"Let me finish before you try and argue with me about it. Losing Archie was one of the hardest things I've had to go through in my life and even though I've been with you throughout it all and even though we've spoken about him more times than I can count, I still can't even begin to imagine the pain that you went through losing him. It was a completely different pain to mine, a pain I never want to experience. That being said, I can only imagine the new pain and hurt you must be feeling at the potential of him having a child with someone else. We may not know the truth yet, but just the thought that it's true, that he has done that to you makes me so fucking angry!"
He takes a moment to catch his breath and the hurt he is talking about is clear to see in his eyes, so I take his hand and gently squeeze it hoping to give him some comfort. "Molly, I know you've been hurt, god you've been hurt but you're still so young. please don't let your past dictate your future, don't let all the pain of the past stop you from having a future, a bright future with a lot of love."
I feel every single one of his words hit me deep inside, but I can't form a reply. What can I say? I know he's right, I do, but still letting go of the past is easier said than done and loving someone again? From the moment Archie died, even just the thought of that has seemed almost impossible.
"I know what you're saying, Tom, but I don't understand why your saying this now?" He's talking about me moving on with my love life when, right now, I just need to figure out where my life is going in general, never mind even thinking about any kind of love.
"You know I saw what happened with Christian, right?" I nod, of course, I do and, so far, I thought I had done a pretty good job of avoiding the conversation with him, but I'm getting the feeling that I was wrong to think that. I was never going to be able to avoid the conversation, more like just postpone it for a while, although not long enough apparently.
"You've been hurt, loved and lost and so has Christian. You recently experienced a betrayal by the one person you loved, the one person you thought would never do it, the one person you thought you would spend your life with. When you said your vows you meant every word. Well, Christian has been through the same thing, Molly, but his hurt has been going on for far too long and only continues to grow. His distrust of people, mainly women, isn't unfounded, Molly, it's raw and real and I hate seeing what she has done to him."
"He has been through a lot. I've heard a lot of stories about her and from what I've been told about how she was... well, it's hard to picture her that way, and I don't think I'll ever be able to see her as a nice person, and I don't blame Christian for his trust issues after what she's, done to him but still, they way hes been with me... I don't understand it. From the moment he met me, he disliked me and distrusted me. But why? It just doesn't make sense."
"Since Amy... he hasn't trusted women, he's been with them...but it's just been a one-time thing, he doesn't trust them enough for anything more, not that I've seen him have any more interest in them than a one-time thing and even then there's been very few of them but the moment I saw him look at you for the first time there was this look on his face... A look I hadn't seen in a long time and I know exactly what happened, he shut it down and turned to what he thought he needed to do."
"To be distrustful of me. To not like me?" He nods and looks sad. "Yep. He couldn't let himself think or feel anything different because he couldn't risk himself, his kids or his heart."
We stay silent for a few minutes while I process his words and the meaning behind them. "You said you saw a look in his eyes, one that you hadn't seen in a long time. What did you mean by that?" He takes a few seconds seeming to think about his answer before taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out.
"The last time I saw him look at someone the way he looked at you that day was the night we were out on his 21st birthday. The last time I saw him look at someone like that was the first time I saw him look at Amy."