I almost jumped, surprised that he was awake.
“Done with what?”
“Figuring out what’s wrong with my face.” He had a cocky look on his face, his voice full of amusement.
No, there was absolutely nothing wrong with that face! I got attracted with that face in the first place. But I knew, it was more than just Nick’s looks. If he wasn’t too charming, wasn’t the exact opposite of everything that ever made me hate and distrust the entire male specie, then I’d probably still be thinking that I was incapable of feeling deep emotions for another human being.
I’d probably still be fooling around thinking relationships and physical contact didn’t give you a high, drive you crazy, or make you feel safe and comforted because it was not in my nature to feel those emotions. I would probably be at the giving end of a relationship, because I thought it wasn’t in my nature to be at the receiving end. I wouldn’t allow myself to breathe and be weak once in a while, because I would always think I’m all alone and if I can’t take care of myself, then no one else will.
I looked away from Nick, embarrassed that he caught me swooning over his handsome face so early in the morning. I felt his arms around me tighten.
“You don’t know how many times I lay in bed just watching you sleep. It’s good to know you do it too—even if it’s just this one instance,” he whispered.
“You watch me sleep?” I asked, surprised at his revelation.
“Yeah, when you were having nightmares and I had to calm you down, I usually wait for you to be peacefully at sleep before I doze off myself. It got better and the nightmares became less over the last few days. I guess now I just watch you sleep out of habit. You have a certain look when you’re asleep.”
“What look?”
He shrugged. “Like you’re in deep thought. Even in your dreams, your brilliant mind works non-stop. And then sometimes, you’d smile, sometimes, you’d draw your brows together as if something in your dream really annoyed you. Even in your sleep, I’ll bet you kick some asses.”
I laughed. I didn’t recall any of my dreams, except for the nightmares that haunted me the past weeks. It was good to know that slowly, things were going back to normal for me now. I no longer had to run even in my sleep.
“You were supposed to wake me up,” I said.
“I went to sleep barely three hours ago. You looked so peaceful I didn’t want to disturb you. Or maybe that was just an excuse so I could sleep in the same bed as you again.” He gave me a playful smile.
“Didn’t you say you promised yourself to finish your work first?” I asked, giving him a feigned accusing look.
He laughed. “Okay, I cheated a bit.” He gave me a hug. “I can’t help it.”
I savored the feel of his arms around me for a moment. I closed my eyes and realized that this thing we have was worth waking up to in the mornings. I felt that balloon inside my chest again, threatening to burst out of me any minute. And I didn’t have to have a genius IQ to realize what was happening to me.
I was falling… no, damn! I think I already am!
That thought paralyzed me for a moment. Shit! I didn’t see that coming. Never in my wildest dreams when I first laid eyes on Nick did I imagine this to happen. But it was happening to me and I have to admit, it felt good!
I looked up and found that he was staring at me. Then slowly, he leaned forward and kissed me. Gently at first, until I wound my arms around his neck, encouraging him to take the kiss deeper, daring him to explore further. He shifted and pulled me on top of him without breaking the kiss. I straddled him, keeping him trapped between my legs as we got lost in the heat of our kisses.
He placed both his hands on the sides of my hips and I felt him squeeze my flesh, pulling me toward him, as we both struggled to be closer than we already were. When his lips left mine, I felt them nuzzling my neck, forcing an involuntary moan to escape from my lips.
We were going further, going deeper, and getting lost. Forgetting that we vowed to take this as slow as humanly possible, all our efforts proved futile against this heat between us, pulling us stronger than opposite poles of two magnets.
I put all my weight on him in total abandon. I was far gone with his kisses. I have never felt this much passion before. I wasn’t innocent about sex, but it had never been like this. It never even came close.
I felt Nick’s strong arms around me, and I felt his body underneath mine—rigid like steel. I felt the evidence of his desire pressed against my abdomen—solid, hard as rock.
I suddenly stopped kissing him, realizing that this was the closest encounter I have ever had with a man. I never knew desire could be this potent, this evident. I have never been with a man before. I wouldn’t know what to expect. But it seemed that even if I did have expectations, Nick would never fall short of them.
“N-Nick…” I breathed, blinking back at him.
He stared at me, waiting for an explanation why I suddenly stopped in the middle of our passionate kissing.
I took a deep breath. “Your… your…” Shit! I didn’t know how to say it!
Nick narrowed his eyes and then he realized what I was feeling beneath me. His expression turned gentle, but he didn’t look ashamed at all. Instead, he pulled my head to him and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips.
“Superman is just human, kitten,” he said. “Even if he looked totally in control when he said he’d take things slow, he’s still just a man and he craves you like a drug.”
Then he put his arms around me and twisted our bodies on the bed, so that he was on top of me. But this time, he put an inch of distance between us, careful to not to let his manhood touch me again.
He leaned forward and gave me slow kisses on the lips, on my jaw, my neck. He took deep, labored breaths, as if he was fighting an inner battle against himself. And then his breathing became even. He stared back at me and smiled gently. “I’m sorry. I will try my best not to let us get that far again until you’re ready. I know what you’ve been through and I promise, I will erase every inch of memory you have of that night. Even if it meant I have to take an ice-cold shower a dozen times a day.”
I raised a brow at him. “Dozen times?”
He laughed. “You have no idea of the effect you have on me, do you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I clearly remember you telling me that I was unlike any of the girls you’ve dated. Because you usually go for tall, curvy babes with long legs and supermodel looks. And that the chances of us ever being together were from nil to maximum five percent. And kissing was probably the worst thing we could do with each other. And oh, I’m forgetting one thing. I’m like your little brother who could cook well,” I said, raising a brow at him.
He blinked back at me. Then he laughed. “I can’t believe you remembered that word for word. And I can’t believe you fell for that!”
“Of course! You said you don’t tell lies.”
“White lies don’t count.”
“White lies are lies you tell so you wouldn’t hurt another person’s feelings.”
“What about lies you tell to get the other person to admit the truth about what she’s feeling?” he asked me matter-of-factly.
“What?”
He chuckled and then he leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. “Let’s just say that I said those words, with fingers crossed, because I didn’t want you to suspect that I actually have a thing for you. Because back then, that would push you away. If you knew how I really felt, you’d be packing your stuff and bolting out the door. And I didn’t want that to happen for so many reasons. But one important reason was that I couldn’t protect you from your father if you ran away from me.”
“You hurt my feelings so you could protect me?”
“And I’m sorry.” He kissed me again. “And yes, erase that from your memory, because none of those words even came close to the truth about how I felt for you.”
“You had a thing for me back then? In spite of the way I acted, or the way I dressed?”
He closed his eyes for a moment and when he looked at me again, he had a sheepish smile on his face. “I had a thing for you the very first moment I laid eyes on you. And it only intensified as I got to know you. And if I lower myself on you now, you would have no doubt about what I’m feeling about you. Then… and now. You’re different, kitten. And that’s what actually drew me to you. I never wanted to change you. I want you just the way you are.”
I remembered back then, I was protecting Jen from him. I narrowed my eyes and gave him an accusing look. “Jen…”
He took a deep breath, understanding what I meant. “Jen misunderstood my offer of friendship and I am sorry for that. I swear, I gave her no indication that I was ever interested in her.” He paused and gave me a pleading look. “It had always been you, kitten. From the beginning. I was never after Jen. I have always been hung on you.”
“You used her!” Suddenly, I felt sorry for Jen and mad at Nick. I pushed him away from me. He sat on the bed and watched me stand up with my hands on my waist. “You made her believe you were interested in her!”
He shook his head. “I swear, I didn’t. She misunderstood.”
“She would never misunderstand if you didn’t at least flirt with her!” I said, raising my voice. “All the while, I thought I should be protecting her because she was your latest prey. And now, you’re telling me, you were out to get me all along?!”
Nick drew his brows together and closed his eyes for a moment and then he gave me a frustrated look. He stood up from the bed and took my hand in his. “When you say I was out to get you, you make it sound like I just wanted to play with you! Damn! That was never my intention.”
“You toyed with her emotions!” I accused him. I pulled my hands away from him.
“Kitten…”
I held my hand up to stop him. I know I should be dancing happily now that I heard Nick confess his real feelings for me, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Jen. I was trying to protect her because I thought Nick would find another girl after her. I just didn’t know that the other girl would be me.
“I need to calm down for a moment.”
I turned my back on him and exited the room. Jen was my friend for years. I couldn’t help it if I still feel even a small amount of loyalty to her. And honestly, I didn’t know what to feel right now. I wanted Nick to fall for me. I wanted him to like me. But I didn’t want to be happy knowing that somebody got hurt along the way. And that someone was a fragile girl who was one of the first persons who accepted me when I came to town. She may deserve this, but I wouldn’t want to be the one to give it to her.
I went to the room and dressed in a running outfit. And then I went out of the house to take a run to the woods beside Nick’s house. I wanted to clear my mind. If I kept arguing with Nick, we might end up saying things that would tear us apart even before we had the chance to fully start exploring the feelings we have for each other.
I just didn’t like the fact that Nick came up to Jen, asked her out, specifically because he knew I would tag along. I didn’t like the fact that he used my protectiveness toward Jen to get close to me. I would never have known him. We would never be introduced to each other except through Jen. If he was saying that he wanted me from the beginning, he did use Jen’s feelings for him to get close to me and I did not like that idea at all.
I came back to the house after an hour. I did some stretching in Nick’s front yard. I stared at the small road ahead of me and I thought I saw a car parked at the end of it. Then it slowly drove off. I thought it could be some people getting lost, because Nick’s house was the only one on this side. When the car was gone, I went inside the house and went straight to the shower to take a long bath.
It was another hour before I came down. I took out two mugs to make coffee, for myself and for Nick. By then, I was already calm and logical.
I couldn’t deny what I feel for Nick. It was unfortunate for Jen when she finds out about us, but then again, was I going to destroy my friendship with Nick because of that?
Maybe we started out wrong. But we’re here now. And I knew I couldn’t deny what I feel for him: I love him. I have fallen completely in love with him. And if using Jen was the one crazy thing he did for me, then forgiving him would be the one crazy thing I’d do for him.
I felt that I was no longer alone in the kitchen. Suddenly, the air felt charged. I felt Nick’s presence behind me. Then I felt him gently place his hand on my hip and his body slowly pressed against my back.