Eyes. All over me.
And whispers all around me.
I was too nervous to look around. I'm not usually like this. It's just that people staring at me, analyzing me, and talking about what I had with my mate (which is not something you'd want other people to discuss) was making my nerves rise. I put on a brave face but avoided eye contact with others and clutched my coat tighter around me.
I knew Cassian could feel my nervousness. He released his pheromones, gentle, a tad bit sweeter to help me calm down as his warm hands gave my cold one a squeeze.
I could tell most people around me were surprised to see the mark on my neck by the gasps and hushed whispers they uttered. They thought Cassian would never mark a rogue.
I managed to tune them out as we reached the packhouse.
Stella pulled me into a tight hug as soon as we entered the packhouse while whispering, "I'm so happy for you," in my ear before looking at me with a wide grin. "You're glowing!" She said to me but I doubt that's true. I don't know. I was embarrassed and nervous. Why was I feeling that way?
This is the time when I should walk with my head held high. I have the mark of my alpha. Now, no one can question our bond. No one can question my position. But…I don't feel that way.
And I hate this feeling of insecurity. I wish I wasn't this helpless.
I gave Stella a small smile.
"She's tired, mom. Let her rest a bit." Cassian said, giving his mother a kiss on the cheek.
"Of course," Stella chuckled, giving my shoulder a soft squeeze. "Go rest in your room, dear. I'll bring dinner upstairs for you,"
I exhaled in relief and smiled. This time it was genuine. I was happy that I didn't have to eat dinner with all of them today. I don't think I have the energy to deal with all that tonight.
Cassian's hands curled around my waist as he nuzzled into my neck. "Go take a rest, okay? I'll be back soon," my omega preened at the attention and care we received from our alpha.
I hummed and Cassian soon detached himself from me before walking off. My steps were heavy as I ascended the stairs. Months have passed since I joined this pack but I feel like a lot has changed.
Didn't it?
Or is it just me who has changed?
I'm not the same person my father raised. He raised an omega who was strong, who could fight, who had pride, and confidence. But I feel like those parts of me are slowly fading away.
I was losing myself trying to chase him and that realization made my heart heavy.
Mate will come around.
Mate loves us.
I knew it was my wolf that was pushing those words into my mind. But I could feel the fear we both felt. Somewhere in the back of our mind, we are terrified of the future.
Cassian is a decent man. He wasn't very fond of me at the beginning and he had his reasons for that. He was arrogant and harsh but I don't think he'd ignore me or treat me like he did in the past after marking me. That's not how he is. I'm sure of that.
It's his hesitation. The look of unsurety and guilt that makes my heart break. This bond is not something he had wanted. And I'm to blame for that fully. I went to him. But there was no other way for me. I couldn't spend days and nights hoping and praying for him to wake up one day and finally accept me as his mate. I wanted an answer and he gave it to me. He chose to bond with me.
Then why is he hesitant? Why is it only his instincts binding him to me?
I reached our bedroom and sat down on the bed. Goddess, am I overthinking this?
Maybe I need to sleep more and clear my head. Maybe it's just my anxiety. After all, nothing really bad happened for me to feel this much insecure, right?
Right…
I hugged the pillow close as I closed my eyes.
It's nothing big. Everything's alright.
___
Cassian was nowhere to be seen the next morning. He came late yesterday night and went early. My wolf was sad but it wasn't whiny because he didn't forget to scent me before going. I was grateful for that.
I expected him at lunch but he didn't come. That caused my wolf to give me a headache. Stella was blowing my ears off, cursing her son for leaving me alone a day after we'd just mated.
I assured her I was fine before escaping the packhouse to take a walk outside. The evening air was chill and the sky was cloudy. It looked like it could rain any minute. I hugged myself as I walked forward, throwing smiles at the pack members who came to greet me. I decided to visit my mother. I should tell her about my mating. She would be happy.
I paused when the cemetery came into view. There was someone in there. Not someone. But my mate. He was staring at a tombstone in the corner of the cemetery. After a few minutes, I watched him crouch down before placing his hand on the stone.
I might not be an excellent fighter but one of the things my father trained me to do was to focus on the sounds around me. And hearing what Cassian was saying wasn't a hard task. I heard it clearly and his words drowned everything out.
"I'm sorry…I had to do it."
I felt my heart stop. I knew whose tombstone that was and I knew what he was talking about. My omega whined and whimpered before it howled in pain.
He had to?
Right…
He mated me because he had to not because he wanted to.
Tears clouded my vision but I willed them away. I was not going to cry. Not now. I silently watched him for a few minutes and clenched my jaws when he turned around. Cassian's body turned stiff as his eyes landed on me. He paused and hesitated for a moment before walking forward, each step calculating and painfully slow.
"Ivy…"
Guilt. That's all I could hear in his voice. It was so thick that it made me breathless. I saw a flash of hurt on his face as he took me in.
I was staring at him with gleaming eyes, the hate of betrayal shining so bright in them that I was sure it made his wolf snarl at him.
I walked forward, stepping around him to get to my mother's grave. Cassian's grip on my wrist made me pause. "Ivy," He called my name again, a hint of regret seeping into his voice.
"I came here to see my mother. Let go." I managed to get out, my voice stern as I stared forward, not wanting to see his face.
"We need to talk," He whispered.
"We do. We'll do it at the packhouse. Let go of me," I did not let a single hint of my hurt seep into my words. Only hate. Pure and heart-wrenching hate. He deserves it. He deserves it all.
Cassian tensed and let go of my hand as he hummed. I walked towards my mother's grave without sparing him a single glance. My heart thumped loudly and painfully in my chest and a sudden realization crashed into me.
I couldn't feel my wolf.