I stared out the window for God knows how long. My mind was busy picturing all the scenarios that could happen if I ever go into rut tonight. It'll be too dangerous.
It's been too long. I forgot how to handle it. If it is as painful and intense as the first time it happened, then I'll probably lose control. I don't know if I could take care of my wolf in that scenario.
I'm going to scare that kid to the core.
"Fuck!" My head hurts from the relentless tugging on my hair. I hope morning comes soon 'cause I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
"Cassian?" I stilled when I heard her voice. When did she get here? I didn't even notice…
"I was looking for you…"
I didn't turn. I didn't want to look at her and risk things and I know damn well why she was looking for me. Staying silent is the only thing I could do at that moment. Goddess, I feel like a scared little child and it's making me mad as fuck.
"Cassian?"
"Hmm?"
"I…Um…today in the woods…." She was nervous. I could imagine her stuttering and fidgeting as she tried to find the right words. "I just wa-wanted to talk about it…" I could hear her voice getting closer and closer.
"There is nothing to talk about," I muttered, desperate to keep her away.
"What?" I knew she was frowning as she asked. "How could you say that? We kissed."
"You kissed me." I corrected her even though I knew I was wrong.
"Are you serious? What are you saying?" Ivy sighed. "I did it first. I admit it but don't say that you didn't reciprocate it. You know that's not true."
I closed my eyes. "What's the big deal? It's a kiss. I was close to you and the bond kicked in. It's not like it's easy for me to control it all the time." I snapped.
"Cassian…" Ivy said my name, with a defeated sigh leaving her lips and my heart wrenched at how painful it sounded. "Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you accept me?" Her footsteps made my body stiffen. "I'm getting tired….how long do I have to chase you? What do you want from me?" I flinched when her hand touched my bare back.
Her fingers traced the countless scars on my back and for the first time in my life, I felt the painful memories of it being replaced with the delicateness of her touch. I looked down and wordlessly stood there.
"You're confusing me." She took in a shaky breath. "I beg you to not do this. You know…you're the only one, right? If you… If you don't want me, who's binding me to this world?"
My fist clenched tight. I understood what she meant. She's alone. It must be terrifying but I can't willingly drag her into what I'm about to experience.
I felt her warm hands wrap around me and my heart raced faster, beating inside my rib cage like it would break free any moment now. Fuck, I hate this freaking mate bond!
"Give me a chance, please… I'll try my best…"
I mustered up the strength to break free from her hold. "Sleep well," I muttered, my voice shaking a bit. I hope she hasn't noticed. My wolf is on the edge. One more look at her face and I might lose all of my reasons.
"Cassian–"
"I'm going out." I took my shirt, striding towards the door like I'd been called out for a war.
___
I don't know how long I've been sitting on the training room floor but it's been long enough to make my ass cheeks numb and my whole whole body sweat a bucket.
I can feel it coming.
This whole time I've been replaying the memories of that kid in my head and it successfully fucked up my mind. I feel terrible. All kinds of thoughts about her plagued my mind, causing me to feel guilty to even think about Avery.
Avery…
If she was here…I wouldn't have been like this. I would be in her arms, kissing her, holding her, and making love to her.
But why the heck can I not picture her? Every time I try to think of her, that kid's face flashes through my mind. It feels like I'm losing memories of her.
No…
I can't replace her.
*Clack*
I looked at the source of the sound and found that I broke the leg of the wooden chair I was holding onto. I pushed the whole thing away and groaned.
Fuck, I need to leave.
I fished out my phone from my pocket and dialed Ryder. Bastard didn't pick up so I had to call him thrice for a response.
"Dude, the heck? It's five freaking AM?"
"Is everything in the Southern cabin ready?" I panted out.
"What? Are you going there right now?"
"Yes,"
"Cass—"
"My rut is here, Ry. I don't have time to talk. Is it ready?"
I could hear him sigh on the other side. "I told some workers to do it last night. I didn't check on it though. I think they did it,"
"Take care of the training and patrolling while I'm gone. Keep an eye on the north side. I'll call you if I need anything."
"Okay. Take care, Cass."
I hummed before cutting the call. Gosh, I can't walk there in this state. I stopped once I entered the tree line and stripped out of my clothes before I shifted.
Goodness, shifting really did help a bit. I picked up the clothes with my mouth before breaking into a sprint, aiming for the small cabin in the southern part of our territory.
—-
I thanked the Goddess as I checked the cabin. It was clean enough and the groceries have been restocked. I really have some good pack members. There was water running, food in the fridge, and a clean bed. For my current state, that was more than enough. I went straight for a shower. The sweat made me feel disgusted.
My energy is draining too quickly. I shouldn't have trained so hard. My feet carried me straight to the bed. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep and since I have nothing better to do, I only had the option to push myself to fall asleep. Staying awake while the rut hits is going to be hard. I need as much energy as I can get.
___
I'm hungry as fuck. That's the first thought that came to mind when I woke up. I went to search for something in the fridge. I was not in the mood to cook so I took some protein bars and started munching on them. My headache was getting worse and my body felt like it was on fire.
It was getting hard for me to even sit because of how my wolf was pushing forward. My phone rang when I finished eating. It was Ryder.
"Ry–"
"Is she there?"
"What?" I frowned. "Who?"
"Ivy. She–"
"What?!"
"Cass, listen to me calmly–"
"The fuck do you mean? Why are you asking if she's here? She's at the pack house, isn't she?"
There was silence from the other side.
"Isn't she?" I asked through gritted teeth.
"This morning she was looking around for you… She asked a pack member about you and he said that you went to the cabin because of your rut….Uhh…a lot of pack members were whispering about why you went to spend your rut alone despite having a mate…and Ivy happened to hear people say some vile things. A member said that she was crying before she ran out of the packhouse…"
"Ryder, are you fucking kidding me?" I was on the verge of losing it.
"Look, I just found out. I'm with a team of warriors tracking her scent. It's leading South. That's why I called you. I think she came to you."
"She didn't. Fuck, I'm coming out too." I groaned, searching for a coat.
"You sure? What about your rut?"
"Well, fuck it. Do you think I can sit still when that kiddo is out there roaming around in the woods alone?"
I opened the door and immediately paused when I was hit by the strong scent of turmeric and rosewater.
My mouth watered and my knees felt weak from my wolf pushing forward. I instantly closed the door and held my breath.
"Shit! She's here!"
"What?" Ryder said from the other side. I forgot I was still on the phone with him. "Are you sure?"
"She's here, Ry. I caught a glimpse of her on the porch when I opened the door for a split second. " I breathed out. "You need to come get her."
Ryder didn't say anything for a moment. "Are you trying to kill me? There's no way I'm gonna do that. The minute I get close to her, your wolf is going to come out and rip me to shreds." Ryder scoffed. "Either take her in or convince her to come back to the packhouse. I'm not meddling in this lovers' drama. I like peace."
"Ryder–"
"Nope. Good luck, Cass. Happy mating or happy suffering. Whatever you choose, bro." And with that, the fucker hung up on me. That asshole! I'm going to throw him to the dogs when I get home.
I groaned and went to open the curtains. She was curled up on the porch, wearing a thin dress. What was she thinking running away from the pack house dressed like that?
It's fucking cold because of raining twenty-four seven and she's out there wearing that? This kid must have a potato for a brain. I don't know how she always manages to get on my nerves so effortlessly.
I took the coat and braced myself for what I'm about to do. Holding my breath, I opened the door and quickly threw the coat on her before closing it. The little scent of her that managed to get inside the cabin when I opened the door got into my lungs too, making all the hairs on my skin stand up. I looked out the window again and saw that she had woken up.
She quizzically looked at the coat and brought it closer to her face to smell it. I watched her rub her cheeks on it before her eyes landed on me.
"C-Cassian?"
Fuck, I'm hard.