"S-Stop it!" I turned my face away, trying my best to hide from him.
Cassian was silent as he observed me. He gripped my face again and made me look at him. I was too embarrassed to meet his eyes.
How can I look at his face again?!
"Little pup," He breathed in my ear. "You're testing the strength of all the restraints holding me back." I shuddered as she spoke in his deep voice.
He's holding back?
My eyes shot up to his face only to see his gleaming eyes staring back at me.
That's right. He was holding back. He never touched me intimately. Even now, after the most blissful experience I've ever had, Cassian didn't touch me that way.
Why? I've given him permission. Wasn't that enough? What's stopping him?
Is my body not appealing to him?
I looked down and found out that it wasn't the reason. The huge bulge in his pants was hard to miss. His manhood was large and I don't know if I was scared or thrilled by that information. I don't think I could ever get used to the fact of how big he is.
I swallowed. I wanted to touch it and make him feel the pleasure he made me experience a few minutes ago. I was curious to know what kind of expressions he would make and what kind of sounds would fall out of his lips. Will he finally lose control and take me as his mate?
My hand went down somewhat instinctively and touched his bulge through the pants he was wearing. Cassian was surprised. His eyebrows shot up before looking down at my hand which was on his groin.
I was surprised too because not only was it long but also thick. What kind of monstrous thing is that? Can I even be able to wrap my hand around it fully?
"....so…big…" I muttered before I even realized that it wasn't in my head, but instead, I said that out loud for the whole world to hear. Okay, maybe not the whole world but Cassian heard it, so it's the same thing.
A chuckle slipped past his lips and I swear I've never heard a sound that's heavenly than that one.
"You're not allowed to do that, little pup," Cassian muttered in my ear before stopping me by gripping my hand and steering it away from his manhood. He had a small smile on his face but my mind was immediately taken over by confusion.
Why is he resisting me so much?
"Why? Why am I not allowed to touch you?" I sounded desperate but I didn't care. I wanted answers. Why was he doing all those things to me minutes ago if he wasn't willing to mate with me?
"Because," Cassian ran a finger on my jawline as he made me focus all my attention on him. "I don't want such an important moment of our lives to be ruined by regrets." He calmly voiced.
"Regrets? I won't regret anything. I promise. I know it's not the best experience to be intimate with your mate in a cave but we're mates. I don't care about all this stuff." I tried to explain to him but he just stared at me with a soft, almost sympathetical, smile. I've never seen Cassian make that kind of expression.
"I'm not talking about you, pup."
"Huh? T-Then who?" I asked and waited for him to reply. He stayed silent for a moment and that's when it hit me. "Cassian, do you think you will regret this?"
Cassian breathed out a sigh and then leaned closer. "Little pup, you need to carefully listen to what I'm about to say, okay?" He said and I nodded slowly.
"You're probably surprised by my behavior. I can't blame you. Cassian was acting like an asshole to you."
I frowned. "What do you mean? Why are you talking–"
"I'm his wolf." My mate breathed out. "Most humans won't let their wolf take control over their body. Not fully, at least. It rarely happens. You might have heard about it happening during war or when alpha wolves are going through ruts with their mate. In these times, wolves can take over the human body but not for so long. It'll only happen for a few minutes." He caressed my cheek, causing me to relax a bit.
"Cassian, I don't understand…"
He took a deep breath. "When our previous mate….died…we were in despair. It caused me to go berserk, seeking revenge on the people who dared to hurt my mate. I went on a killing spree. I was hungry for blood and I was taken over by my animalistic need to kill." His eyes were fixed on the cave wall behind me as he recalled his past. "Cassian didn't stop me. He was broken, hopeless, and waiting for death to take us away from our suffering. He let me have control over the body and silently watched everything from the back of our mind."
"I was animalistic at first. Very confused about how this body worked. But I figured it out. I learned how to do things like a human and how to behave like one. It was a year later when Cassian decided to take his control back. I tried to resist it but I couldn't be selfish like that. The pack needed him." His hands were in my hair now as he explained. Long fingers gently massaging my scalp.
"After that, I only took control over this body whenever we went to fight or whenever I went on a run in my wolf form. Since I spent a lot of time being in control, it has now become hard for Cassian to suppress me. He's slowly gaining his strength to do so but I can still easily take over when he's tired or overly emotional. Right now, he's tired from the fight so I wanted to take over and meet you."
I smiled. "This is amazing…. I've never seen a wolf taking over like this. Mine is always in the back of my mind, excitedly jumping around. I can feel her emotions but that's it. She's happy now because you decided to take over so you could talk to us." My voice lowered as I said the last part. I don't know why I'm feeling shy. Speaking to Cassian like this feels strange. It's almost like I'm in some kind of vivid dream and I'm afraid I'll wake any minute and it'll all be gone.
"My human still hasn't moved on. Avery was his whole world. She was mine too. But now I have you and I need to protect you. You're safe with me, little pup. One day he'll learn to accept you. I promise."
I blinked and then pressed my head against his chest. "I hope so. I really hope so. It's painful and extremely hard for me to push past every day acting like everything is fine when it's not. I don't want to replace her. I just want him to accept me. I don't want his love for her to be expressed as hate towards me."
I felt his hands wrap around me, pulling me closer to his chest. "Sleep, little pup. Everything will be alright." The words rolled off his tongue like a gentle breeze on a chilly evening. It felt so calming.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling his addictive scent as much as I could into my system.
I honestly didn't want to fall asleep. No, that would be a waste. How could I let go of this feeling of him being so close to me? I wanted to relish every moment of it.
___
I stared out at the waterfall for a few seconds, blinking the sleep away from my eyes. Even though I didn't want to sleep yesterday, I was too drained to fight against it.
Cassian wasn't by my side when I woke up. I was alone in the cave, staring out at the opening as I tried to figure out where he went.
After a few minutes, I decided that it was enough and I needed to get out of the cave. There was no fruit in sitting there and waiting for him to come back. I should look for him.
The water was freaking cold and I couldn't help but let out a gasp as I cut through the waterfall. I swam away from it as fast as possible and was surprised to find my mate sitting on the shore, silently watching me.
I made my way towards him and as soon as I got closer to him, he stood up from his seat. "We need to leave. The pack must be waiting for our return." He said, not showing off any kind of emotion. I couldn't even figure out if he was angry or not. He must be. He lost control last night.
I stepped out of the water and Cassian immediately turned away from me like he had just seen a ghost. Okay, now I am getting annoyed.
"Are you avoiding me?" I frowned.
"The sunlight will help the shirt to dry before we reach the packhouse. So don't worry about looking like that when we get there." He muttered.
"Looking like what?" I asked and then looked down in confusion. When my eyes fell on my body, the realization came down on me like a tonne of bricks. I looked obscene!
The thin white shirt of my mate was now dripping wet, clinging to my body like a second skin. It was sheer because of being so wet and left nothing to the imagination as it displayed every inch of my body I was trying to cover. I instinctively placed my hand on my chest to cover my breasts. My nipples were hard from the cold temperature and it was embarrassing how they looked through the shirt.
I just wanted the earth to split and swallow me whole.
"Sorry!" I apologized and tugged on the shirt to make it at least not stick to my body.
Cassian cleared his throat. "We'll be able to get there by noon if we start walking now." He said.
"O-Okay."
***
We walked for long hours and we were now halfway there. My feet were aching. Shifting into our wolf forms would've made this journey end faster but I was in no state to run. My body was weak.
Cassian stayed silent most of the time other than when he had to warn me about something in the woods. So I was surprised when he spoke up all of a sudden. "Last night…" He started, not knowing how to get to the events that happened in the cave.
I felt my face get hot.
"I didn't want that to happen."
Ouch! That felt like taking a knife to the heart.
"My wolf took over. I had no control. I didn't want to touch you like that." He continued.
My teeth sank onto my lips as I forced my eyes to stare at the ground. It was hard to act like his words didn't hurt even though he was just trying to explain himself.
"I apologize. I'll try not to let that happen again."
"Why?"
"What?" Cassian paused and then turned to look at me.
"Why not? I have given you permission so why not?" I stepped closer to him. He opened his mouth to reply but I stopped him. "I know you still like your previous mate but you're allowed to like her even if you're with me. I just don't want you to treat me like I don't belong with you. We're fated mates. I just—"
"Ivy, you must be tired. Let's continue the walk and talk about this later when we reach the pack house." He turned away but I caught his wrist and pulled him closer to me.
"Don't you feel this? This electrifying sensation every time we touch. I just want this. I just want you to touch me and spend our days like normal mates…holding hands and exchanging kisses. Is that too much to ask for? Am I being greedy?" My voice broke as I asked. I brought his hand to my face and stopped inches away from it. "Touch me…please…" I asked, gripping his hand as my teary eyes looked up at him expectantly.
After last night, I couldn't help but crave him every single second. It was hard to ignore the ache in my heart when I woke up without him beside me.
I froze when he tugged his hand away from mine. "You need to stop it, Ivy. I don't want to be harsh with my words and hurt you. Let's keep walking. The pack members must be worried about us."
I looked down at my feet. I was a fool to think he'd understand. Pathetic.
"Right…."