It was a long dragging evening that led into an endless tossing night. She checked her phone a thousand times in case he had anything to say to her, then dying when it showed nothing on her screen. She replayed that kiss over and over in her head. Trying to remember every tiny detail of how it felt. She couldn’t focus on work or anything in particular. She couldn’t eat her home-baked lasagna or even enjoy playing with Muffin.
Listless. Restless. Agitated.
She scooped Muffin up in her arms and lay on the couch to rub his soft velvet face against hers in a gentle manner. The lump in her chest and throat was un-shiftable. She tried to watch a movie and burst into tears when the leading couple kissed passionately before he told her he loved her and turned it over.
She texted Abby some pointless chit-chat and talked briefly about nothing to distract herself. Trying anything to shift her focus and calm her rattled emotions. She could not tell Abby about the kiss. She was too close to Rob for this kind of talk, and Rose had no idea what to make of it.
She called her mother and had the briefest of catch-ups to distract herself.
She emptied her email inbox and threw her laptop aside impatiently.
Nothing could take her focus off what he had just done to her. That kiss was the stuff romance books were built on, and he had just walked off casually as though he had just kissed his gran farewell.
Picking Muffin up again, she finally headed to her bedroom, too restless to keep trying to stay awake. She replayed every minuscule detail of his face, look, and actions and tried to make sense of them. Torn between anger, heartbreak, a tinge of hope, and torture!
‘Muffin, why are men so hard to figure out?’ She held the little fur ball close under the duvet watching his large brown eyes. He watched her carefully, giving no hint of the inner workings of the male mind.
‘It’s the worst kind of torture for a woman.’ She explained sulkily, his little face listening intently. ‘If you want to inflict pain and suffering on a future girlfriend, Muffin. May I suggest leaving her in great doubt about how you feel about her?’ She sighed, pulling his little face close and revelling in the warm licks he spread across her nose enthusiastically as though sensing she needed them.
‘Kiss her passionately, like she’s your whole world, in a way that will ruin her for any other man, and then give her the cold shoulder. Like dangling a worm on a hook. The result is a pretty messed up emotional wreck.’ She sighed loudly. Muffin narrowed his eyes a little, which almost made her smile, before he turned around, facing her with a little fluffy rear and a sure-fire sign he was going to sleep. His butt was directly in her face, no longer interested in consoling her.
‘You are just a typical male, aren’t you?’ She sighed, resigned that this mental turning over and dissecting wasn’t helping anyone. She rubbed his fur and left him in peace to roll on her back and stare into the darkness.
She finally drifted to sleep in the early hours when fatigue overtook her. A welcome relief. Muffin snored loudly on the pillow beside her, and the trees cast odd shadows across her room through her light shades. The moon was high and full, giving everything a silvery sheen that had done nothing to soothe her turmoil.
* * *
Despite her lack of sleep, she woke early and plunged into another bath. Her normal relaxing bubbles and luxurious products could not bring her out of this tizzy. She just needed to see him again, see how he behaved around her. She needed to know what the hell was going on between them. If anything? To try and read his behaviour or see if he would say anything more about what had happened.
He was torturing her.
She agonised over her outfit far longer than normal, relying on the non-responses from Muffin as he watched from the perch on her bed. Tongue out and ears up. She opted for another floaty sundress. Somewhere in the back of her mind, that little voice of stupidity.
‘Well, it worked yesterday!’.
She spent too much time on her hair, barely noticeable makeup, and even longer on her perfume choice. She felt like a teen on a first date and had to shake herself a million times as the clock drew nearer to nine am. Her hands trembled on her coffee mug, and her eyes darted to the clock every minute in the last remaining minutes. Pacing her floor had become the only calming action this morning that gave her any sense of control. Muffin had not enjoyed being dragged out for a six am walk and was now sleeping soundly in her bed. Not offering much in the way of comfort to his frantic owner.
Finally, the familiar crunch of his tyres on the gravel out front had her spring from her perch at the kitchen table. She had to grab herself, wait for his knock on the door, and calm herself down.
Okay...okay, okay, Calm and slow.
She chastised herself and her over-eager nerves. She pasted on her brightest smile and walked slowly and deliberately down the hall, opening the door and almost swooned at the sight of him. He was in a dark grey hooded sweater over jeans, a navy t-shirt evident where the zipper had not been pulled all the way up. It brought out the colour of his steel grey eyes and black hair more so than light colours did, and the effects were utterly soul-destroying on her already fragile heart.
Shyness overtook her. He looked different today, more sinister than smooth and charming. He was possibly a little tired, with a slight shadow under his eyes. He hadn’t shaved for once and was sporting some serious shadowy stubble that made him even sexier. His aftershave smelled divine, and he looked less pulled together than normal, not the overly in control, well-groomed Rob of yesterday.
‘Hey.’ his thousand-watt smile, as always, no change there.
‘Hey.’ She smiled back, feeling the tension sizzling between them. He followed her into the cramped hall. Once again, that awkwardness and tension were looming between them. She held her hands behind her back to ensure she did not reach out and touch him as she let him in. Every one of her nerve endings urging her to do so. He seemed torn.
‘About yesterday Rose. Can we forget it? ... Moment of madness? Weakness! Fatigue and sawdust drunk ...’ He trailed off as he manoeuvred past her in the hall, trying to pull out a response from her facial expression. There was an aura of restlessness and unease about him, his body giving off a million conflicting signals to her as his body heat began to stir up her blood from proximity. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking, and I don’t want it to come between us.’
Inwardly dying, surprised by this turn of events, she plastered on a fake smile and nodded, trying her hardest not to react.
‘I guess ... Moment of something, that’s for sure.’ She dropped her eyes to focus on the collar of his t-shirt, her voice soft and almost deflated, trying to stop the tears coming up from deep within. She could not look him in the eye like this.
‘I think we were caught up in a brief second of craziness from too much sun and god knows what. I’m sorry.’ He sounded weird and tense. But she couldn’t bring her eyes to him, no matter how much she tried. It was taking all her energy to keep her face calm and straight.
‘We won’t mention it again. Say it was heat stroke or something’ Her voice didn’t fully conceal the emotions coursing through her this time. It was obvious she was upset, but he didn’t respond. Her heart had shattered into a thousand little pieces that were filling up her hollow legs, and all the while, he seemed relieved.
She was desolate; so easy to brush her off, so easy to brush that kiss off like it was nothing.
He was an asshole, after all.
He gestured for her to follow him to the car, and she obeyed. Grabbing her bag and avoiding looking at him, she no longer wanted him near. She wanted him to go away so she could curl up on the floor and cry. A conflict of emotions was battling inside her that wouldn’t be easy to overcome.
Her mood never lifted the entire time they were driving, the car journey was strained, as was the conversation, and in the end, he put the radio on, allowing them both to stay silent and look at the passing scenery. A few times, she thought he looked like he wanted to say something, but then he would aggressively gear shift, look away again, and concentrate on the road. Being beside him as he expertly handled his little sports car made her even more heartbroken. She wanted to get away from him.
In the store, they selected the waxes and stain without much interaction, her answers were mostly nods or short responses, and he seemed equally quiet. When she moved forward to pay for the wax stain, he cut in front of her, a gentle hand on her shoulder.
‘I’ve got this.’ He smiled at her, almost as though he was trying to get her out of her funk, but she shrugged.
‘It’s fine. I don’t need anyone to pay for things for me. I’m more than capable.’ She shrugged his hand from her shoulder, hating that its heat still affected her body, and slid in front of him daintily. Smiling widely at the shop assistant while pulling her purse out. She could feel Rob still so close beside her, he hadn’t moved back, and she didn’t care if he had taken this refusal to let him pay as rude. She didn’t care if he was annoyed at her mood. Right now, she didn’t like him very much at all.
She felt him finally move as she punched in her debit card pin on the machine. He seemed to take a long time to walk away from her, carrying the cans of wax, sealant, and brushes. She said goodbye to the clerk and followed slowly.
The long journey back was not much better. He seemed to sense that trying was futile, and their atmosphere was no longer hospitable. He tried empty, idle chat, was met with short, uninterested replies, and finally gave up. He didn’t press further but retreated into silence and turned the radio up further. Some love songs came on, filling the car with soothing, seductive tunes, and he immediately flipped the channel.
Said it all, really!
Rose continued watching the road.
* * *
Back at the cottage, they were greeted by Abby on her morning visit, and Rose felt relieved.
‘Hey, you two; well, this looks domestic. What are you doing here?’ Abby grinned at her brother, who then ruffled her hair as he passed, carrying the bag of supplies. The girls followed him in.
‘Slave for a day.’ Rose answered as casually as she could. Trying not to fixate on that pert ass walking in front of her. He reached around for her key as he got to the door, and without thinking, she handed it to him, their hands brushing lightly and sending another wave of fluttering tingles through her.
Jerk!
‘Penny needs a man about the place to get all the hard stuff done.’ Rob grinned back. Abby smiled, and Rose lowered her chin and pretended to look in her bag for something rather than respond to him.
‘I’m sure there are far better prospects than the likes of you to do that in this village.’ Abby stuck her tongue out at her brother, who hauled her forward in a headlock and pulled her into the cottage with him.
‘Shut up, brat, or I’ll glue that trap shut for your cheek.’ Despite her low mood, Abby was wriggling and trying to break free, squirming and cursing at his hold. Rose couldn’t help the small smile that erupted over her face. She just loved the way Abby and Rob interacted. It reminded her of her brothers and how they used to be in their teens.
Rose took Abby into the lounge as Rob moved to the garden to resume his work, away from him deliberately, so she didn’t need to suffer the torture of his company anymore.
‘What’s up?’ Abby hit her with questioning eyes the second Rob had meandered back and out of earshot.
‘Nothing, what makes you think somethings wrong?’ Rose laughed defensively and tried to make herself busy with cushion plumping and tidying the already tidy room.
‘Hmmm, maybe the fact your face is tripping you, and you are being unusually quiet.’ Abby raised her eyebrow, and Rose batted it away with a coy shrug and smile.
‘Must be tired or something.’ She went back to cushion plumping.
‘Or Rob has done another sterling job of pissing you off... What did he do this time?’ Abby wasn’t slow on the uptake, but Rose was not about to go down the route of telling Rob’s baby sister all the sordid details of him kissing her behind his girlfriend’s back.
‘Seriously Abby. I’m fine, just tired from a crappy night’s sleep. Was so muggy last that I couldn’t get proper sound sleep.’ She wasn’t exactly lying; she was tired from lack of shut-eye.
‘Okay, if you say so... But if I find out he’s upset you and you haven’t told me, I’ll kick his arse.’ Abby grinned and clicked her fingers together to beckon Muffin to come to her, smiling and gushing with baby talk as the little fur ball ran to her with his tongue wagging around excitedly.
‘We should walk him. He probably needs out.’ Rose watched her snuggling up and figured more space between her and Mr Munro was probably a good idea until she could reel back this funky mood and act a little more normal around him again.
* * *
The girls took Muffin on a wander out of the cottage grounds, along the edge of the main road, and towards the manor. The hedgerows had been trimmed enough that walking on the grass verge was easy, and Rose noted for the first time the huge bushy trees at the manor entrance had been cut right back. The ones that had concealed Rob’s car from view.
You could now see the turnout clearly from the road, and whoever was driving out no longer needed to edge out dangerously far. She noted it but never mentioned the change, knowing too well that Rob must have cleaned it up.
The sun was shining and beating down on the girls; warm air and the countryside sounds around them helped lift Rose’s mood a little. The warmth defrosted some of the icicles stabbing at her heart.
‘How’s your newest commission coming along?’ Abby wandered casually by the roadside, using a long piece of wild grass to hit at the bushes on the side. Muffin trotting between them happily and sniffing leaves every three steps.
‘Good, I have eleven illustrations for this book, and as it’s a second book to one I did last year, I already have my characters sketched out and planned. It’s an easy job when writers come back with sequels.’ Rose beamed. Talking about her work always made her smile. It had taken a few years to become recognised as an illustrator in the children’s book industry, and she was fast becoming a known name. Her agent had lined up three more books after this, and things looked promising.
‘I guess it’s great having a job you can do anywhere and mail off your art. I would love a job like that.’ Abby sighed, eyes lifting at the sound of an engine coming up fast from the oncoming road.
A bright red car came hurtling along the road towards them from town at neck-breaking speed and turned dramatically into the manor opening ahead of the girls. Tyres screeched on the tarmac as it rallied into the long smooth drive. Rose only caught a glimpse of the driver, but it was enough to send that sinking lurch to her feet. Wild red curls and manicured eyebrows, flawless eyeliner signalling that it was Morag.
Abby muttered under her breath something illegible and picked Muffin up, hugging him close and burying her face in his soft white fur. Rose felt slightly smug at Rob being safely tucked in her garden for the next few hours and not seductively wrapped in white bony arms with claw-like nails. Surely, she must know her boyfriend was not home.
Did she never phone ahead?
A few minutes later, the car screeched back out of the manor entrance as the girls were still milling around the grass and headed away again at death-defying speed. A loud rumbling engine broke the calm silence of the summer air, the aggressive sound assaulting the peaceful atmosphere. Much like Morag’s presence did whenever Rose was with Rob.
Abby grumbled and glared along the road before putting Muffin down on the soft grass.
‘Bitch!’ Abby spat at the retreating car; both girls laughed spontaneously as they caught sight of the mirrored grumpy frowns and snarling glares aimed at the red car. They had almost identical faces and carried on kicking at the grass beneath their sandaled feet.
‘I can’t say I like her much either.’ Rose sighed and then went back to following Abby.
They walked as far as the sign for the town, then turned and walked back. The quiet time spent with her favourite girl gave her enough head space to re-evaluate things. Give her head some space to put things in perspective, and really, Rose wasn’t one to harbour moods or grudges for very long and being mad at Rob was already tiring her. Why was she punishing him?
Yes, she was maybe smitten with him, and he had kissed her, but he had not exactly avoided her afterwards. She had kissed him back but still agreed to forget it. Hadn’t she?
He hadn’t led her on or been dishonest. He had come face to face, told her he didn’t want it and wanted to move on and forget it. He hadn’t come slinking by for a bit on the side, some secret nookie behind his crazy girlfriend's back like most men would. It had been a mistake on his part, and he had admitted it.
As much as it hurt, and Oh boy, it hurt, she just needed to make the best of the worst and stop being pissed because he didn’t feel the same way as she did. She needed to stop being so over-emotional and erratic with her moods when he was around, stop acting juvenile and get over it, for Abby’s sake and her own sanity.