‘So, he didn’t kiss you back?’ Kneeling in front of her in the tight cubicle. Abby was still limiting the damage to Rose’s make-up with Kleenex and water, brushing her hair out and trying to bring some sense of normal back to her ravaged look.
‘No...Yes...No... I don’t know!’ She was sitting on the toilet lid, no longer crying, having recapped the sorry tale already.
‘Well, he either did, or he didn’t!’ Abby rummaged for a lip balm and started using it on Rose’s mouth.
‘He stopped me, but not like right away. He didn’t pull away. He just held me a second, mouth to mouth. Like a kiss but not an open mouth, let’s take it further, kiss. Just lips pressed on lips. Just stopped and waited for a second to pull away.’ Rose sighed and took the balm herself to apply a generous layer. Her mouth felt swollen from repeated lip biting when she had been howling her eyes out.
‘So, he did kiss you. He just didn’t let it get out of hand?’ Abby said thoughtfully.
‘I think he was more concerned with the fact I was drunk and emotional, and he was trying not to make me worse.’
‘I have nothing!’ Abby slid down onto the floor in the tiny space. ‘Honestly, I have no idea what the heck it even means. Without seeing how he was or anything. It’s Rob... He is sometimes a complete enigma to me.’ Abby sighed.
‘Thanks. He‘s your brother!’ Rose raised her palms in exasperation. If his sister had no clue what went on in his head, how would she?
‘Maybe he wanted to kiss you back, but he just knew he couldn’t.’ She raised an eyebrow, a helpful one to that charming voice.
‘Maybe he just didn’t want to and tried to spare my embarrassment.’ Again, Rose sighed, deflated and fast sobering up.
‘I thought you were done with him, Rose? Why did you even try?’
‘I don’t know...I wasn’t thinking about it. He was just being soo...’
‘Like when you were together?’ Abby blinked at her sympathetically, a hand coming to brush the hair from her face and behind her ear.
‘Yes. I just wanted a moment of that back. I miss him so much it hurts.’ She dropped her gaze to the floor, shame washing over her at her stupid move. ‘I really am pathetic, aren’t I?’ A single hot tear escaped her eye and rolled down her now blushed, clean cheek. Abby moved towards her, dabbing at it with her tissue.
‘Your broken-hearted Rose! Not pathetic... Just struggling, and all of this is enough to make any woman break.’
‘Why can’t he just keep his distance...? He’s always there. Always showing up to torture me! Always with her.’ She pulled the tissue from her friend and shredded it between her fingers.
‘Maybe it’s time you let me talk to him?’ Her green eyes tinged with hope, she really wanted to end the way her friend was suffering, but Rose shook her head.
‘I’ll be okay... I don’t want you two falling out over this. I don’t see that it would help in any way, just cause drama Ab’s.’ She took a deep breath and straightened up purposefully. ‘I’m going to go home and sleep this off. I’ll feel better! More in control. Less emotional. I promise! I just need time to get myself together and stop being so goddamn stupid over him. I need to accept that it’s done and get used to the fact we live in a tiny village and will see each other often.’
Abby looked doubtful but held her tongue and got up, squeezing together to pull open the small cubicle door. She watched her friend with an aching heart, knowing she was falling apart slowly and there was nothing she could do.
Her brother had a lot to answer for.
* * *
Her parents agreed Rose needed respite from the sun and alcohol and to sleep, assuming she had taken a turn of illness in the bathroom from too much of both. Her naked arms and cheeks were itchier red than blushing sun-kissed now, and she looked weary and tired, only cementing the belief she had mild sunstroke and not heartbreak.
Abby promised to take care of them, but they brushed her away, assuring her they did not need babysitters at their age. As she kissed them goodbye near the fete entrance, her mother pulled her close with purpose.
‘Whoever he is! He’s an idiot, and you deserve far more.’ She kissed her hard on the cheek, smoothing back her hair and bringing her daughter’s eyes to her maternal gaze. ‘We love you, Darling, don’t forget that.’
Rose was shocked into silence, aware that her mother had a lot more insight than she had given her credit for. She felt the lump in her throat tighten and pushed down another sob. Hugging her mum tightly, she left them to return to the day's fun.
She was sobering up now but still had a slight instability to her walk, feeling more Bambi-esque than a drunken mess now. Her mind was set on walking home and escaping all this craziness. She headed through the arch made from white balloons indicating the way out.
She heard him call her name as she let a small group of kids slide by in front of her and felt herself instantly bristle inside.
For God’s sake!
Closing her eyes to regain her composure and fix a calm look on her face, she turned towards his approaching frame. As always, devastatingly handsome and effortlessly casual. As always, appearing to make her agony endless.
‘I’ve been looking for you.’ He said quickly, a strained tone to his voice, possibly a slight edge, and she hated the way his presence seemed to drown out everything around her like an all-consuming black hole.
‘You found me.’ She kept her tone even, unreadable.
An old Rob trick.
‘I wanted to make sure you were okay.’ He looked her over, appraising her calmer appearance and newly fixed makeup. He was probably wondering if he had imagined the whole thing.
‘Just dandy.’ She gestured down her length as if to say, ’See.’
‘You look better.’ He sounded overly bright now, appearing friendly and upbeat. She was trying to focus on other things, using any passing person as an excuse to break away from his intense gaze and smile ‘hello’ in passing.
‘You mean I’m sobering up?’ She inwardly chastised herself for the tinge of bitchiness in her tone, knowing it would ignite another argument. She just needed him to turn around and walk away, leaving her alone.
‘I mean less upset.’ His tone gave her nothing, but his eyes had become fixed on her face and his body a little too close for comfort.
‘I got over it!’ She crossed her arms defensively across her chest, holding them. Praying he would get to the point and end this agony, this polite pretend-friend conversation with absolutely no point.
He didn’t say anything, just stood looking at her until the uneasiness forced her to speak instead.
‘Look, I’m going home! I don’t feel great, and I need to lie down. So, if you don’t mind.’ She gestured for him to give her space as she moved to turn away, but he stopped her.
‘I’ll drive you. It’s a bit of a walk if you’re feeling ill.’ His hand on her upper arm seemed to burn.
‘No. It’s okay...You need to stop, okay?’ She pulled her arm away from his hand, moving out of his reach.
‘Stop?’ He seemed to reel back slightly, confused.
‘This!... This coming to me. Talking to me. Seeing me around and acting like we're mates, you can just come over and act normal!’ She hadn’t wanted to lose her cool and hushed her tone as more people passed. She wanted him to move back and give her space. His closeness suffocated her, making it hard to think straight. She couldn’t control it anymore, and he wouldn’t let her go.
‘I’m trying to make it easier on you. On both of us.’ He said defensively in a lowered voice, more people moving past them and breaking his gaze for a second.
‘Well, you’re not okay... You’re making it worse!’
‘I’m sorry, that’s not my intention.’ He lifted his eyes from her and was instead lost in a gaze over her head, a faraway look in his eyes. A troubled expression on his face and then a sudden statement she hadn’t expected, ‘I just... Miss you!’ It was so quiet it was almost inaudible, but she heard it, sending a breaking pain through every cell of her body. Seeing a slight hint of sadness in that calm, controlled face for the first time.
She lost all traces of anger and instead felt broken that she had hated him for being able to move on, and here he was looking as sad as her; then, in a fleeting moment, it was gone. He cleared his throat, and his face returned to unreadable coolness. A look of determination taking its place. Return to typical Rob.
‘I’m still driving you home, though.’ He said with more strength in his voice.
She moved to argue, but he slid his hand into hers, interlocking fingers in a way too intimate hold and pulled her toward the manor, ignoring her protests. Cutting along the outside of the fete in full swing, his hot, strong hand holding her in an inescapable grip and his stride pulling her onwards whether she wanted to or not. Trying to pull his hand off and free hers, he only tightened, and fighting was futile. She had no choice but to be pulled along.
‘Did everything I say just get lost on you?’ She snapped, becoming breathless with the effort of his fast pace in heels on grass.
‘Nope.’ Unreasonable Rob had returned, and she knew this side of him too well. He was in stubborn, clamped-down mode.
‘Then how is running me home helping?’ She gasped and tried to steady her pace to meet his. He did not respond, just pulled her past groups of smiling people, picking up eyebrows in interest as he dragged her by, leading the way purposefully.
‘Rob? Everyone’s looking.’ She was starting to become aware of the little whispers as they passed, the quick looks and eyebrows raised, but he just shrugged. He did not care at all for the first time in a long time. She realised with huge sadness that this was the first time he had held her hand in public, the first show of something more between them, and it was only because they no longer were. She followed obediently, willing him to let go, aware of the number of people around who turned to look now and willing him to give her breathing time to settle again with a less fast pace.
’Rob?’ Morag’s voice shrilled over the crowd from a distance towards them, but he did not react. He did not even look her way. It repeated, this time higher pitched and annoyed, and he turned in irritation without breaking his pace. Waving her a gesture, indicating five minutes and the briefest of glances, she seemed stunned into silence, stopping her pursuit. Rob carried on unphased, and Rose’s skin felt like it was flaming. She was sure her blush had enveloped her entire face as she averted her eyes, avoiding the other woman’s nasty glare.
‘Rob? Really I...’ He cut her off mid-sentence, pulling her closer as they approached the gravel of the sweeping drive at the front of the house. His phone started ringing in his back pocket intrusively. Removing it from its nestling place, she could see Morag’s name flashing boldly, but he clicked the screen, switched off the phone and put it back in his pocket. Still holding her hand, he led her to his car, neatly tucked under trees. The shade of the huge oak concealing it.
Pulling his keys and remotely unlocking it with a beep, he pulled her to the passenger side, gently deposited her in the car, leaning in and clipping her seat belt over her; his face was so close she could almost kiss him. He looked at her briefly, but he said nothing and closed the door. She watched his profile, feeling for the first time since knowing him that she was unsure about what he was doing. Still not saying a word, he walked around and joined her in the driver’s seat. Within seconds they were heading down the long smooth road to the manor gates, avoiding meandering people in their Sunday clothes.
The journey was short and silent. He seemed to be concentrating on the road, and she was unsure what to say, the roar and hum of his powerful car adding to the tension between them. He pulled into the cottage, stopping swiftly by the gate and jumped out as she unbuckled her belt. Coming around to open her door as she slid up, aware of his closeness and tensed. His expanse of muscle and presence blocked her way, affecting her ability to breathe.
‘Thanks for the lift.’ He did not move, still blocking her escape. All her fight had deserted her. She was now just very confused and unsure how to behave.
‘Look. This is hard for me too. Can we talk? Just for a few minutes. In private, inside. I swear I’ll behave.’ That hint of humour in his eyes. Her head was screaming ‘No!’ but her heart was already leading him into the cottage, melting down into her stomach weakly. Did she have no self-control left at all?
* * *
He stood in the living room, filling the space, so familiar yet so out of place. Uneasy. Rose moved to the kitchen and filled the kettle, unsure what else to do or how to behave now that they were both alone. Her whole being paused momentarily, waiting for him to make the first move. To say something first.
Fixing her hair with her fingers and smoothing her dress, trying to catch her reflection in the chrome of the kettle to wipe any make-up smudges from under her eyes, she made herself a little less wild and more presentable. The alcohol in her blood was fast dispersing, and the new adrenaline coursing instead had sobered her up greatly.
Walking back through, she found him sitting in the armchair, perched on the front of the seat holding a framed picture of Abby and Rose on an outing. It was one she loved dearly, wrapped in each other’s arms with huge smiles on both of their faces. He looked at her as she approached, sliding the picture back onto the small side table with a lingering look. He seemed ready to say something. His whole manner screamed it, so she waited quietly.
‘I regret the way it ended, Rose...I shouldn’t have let it happen that way. We should have at least talked about it face-to-face first, talked when I got back.’ He dropped his hands between his legs, resting his elbows on his knees and hunched a little. So much strength in that body that it was distracting her.
She bit her lip, quietly studying his face, sensing he had more to say and unsure what to respond to.
‘I stayed away longer than I needed to. I figured we could both use the thinking space.’ He stood up, walked to the mantle, resting his one arm on the top and gazed down into the stacked wood, ready for colder nights moving in. ‘When I saw you that night. I should have done this then, but I couldn’t trust myself. It was too soon. I wasn’t ready to see you.’ He glanced over at her, checking for her response and ensuring she was listening.
Of course, she was!
He watched her walk to the couch and sit down gently. Unsteady on her feet and in need of a little support, she made careful movements under his scrutiny, unsure how to feel.
‘I acted like an idiot. You deserved more.’ Walking back towards her, he kneeled at her feet, taking her dainty soft hands in his ‘I owed you more.’ She looked away, unable to keep control, while he looked at her like that. Her bottom lip was trembling, so she put it between her teeth to quell the urge to break.
‘Rose? I am sorry, I really am. I understand why it couldn’t work. I agree. If things had kept going the same way, it would have ended us anyway.’ His voice was strained and husky.
It didn’t hurt any less with him saying the words. It just caused her eyes to fill with tears. Seeing her pain, he got up, moved beside her on the couch and pulled her against his side. His arm was loosely around her shoulders, his chin resting on her head.
‘I don’t want to think about tomorrow or the next day when it comes to you. It’s too hard to imagine. I was trying to take each day and moment as it came. I tried to deal with it the best way I could so I could still function. When I saw you, I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to reach out!’ Rose was trying not to melt into his arms and body, trying not to lose her mind at his closeness and warmth.
‘I can’t do it that way, Rob.’ She couldn’t bring herself to face him, still staring blankly at the window away from him, feeling his heart beating through the wall of his chest and trying not to get lost in his arms. ’It’s too hard. ‘
Even sitting here like this was a horrible bittersweet pain.
‘I know!... That’s why I came here... To end this the right way, Rose. To set the ground rules...I think we both need to lay things out on the table. To tell me what you need to make this easier on you.’ It was a simple, mature request, but somehow, it was sheer agony having him talk to her about the breakup this way. So calm and final, his tone even and sure. No hint of tears in the way she was falling apart.
She thought for a moment, taking her time to think about what she needed from him, pushing herself to be rational. He waited, guessing her silence was because she was trying to figure it out.
‘I need us to avoid each other until I can stand being around you.’ She pulled away from him and dried her eyes. Standing up to take the position at the mantle as he had previously done and telling herself distance was what she needed to do this, his touch was still too potent. ‘I need you to stop laying hands on me so effortlessly when all your touch does is make me want to crumble and cry.’ She glanced at him, watching him silently agreeing, reluctance on his face. ‘I need not to see you wrapped in her arms wherever I turn.’
‘There’s still nothing between her and me. I promise.’ He cut in quickly, seriousness on his face and in his tone.
‘It doesn’t make it easier seeing her all over you, though.’ After all, she was the reason her heart was shattered into a million tiny flakes.
‘Agreed.’ His voice steady and determined, he leant forward, resting elbows on his knees and studying her face. ‘It will get easier,
Rose.’
‘Don’t!’ She stalked away from him to the far window, smoothing back the drapes to stare into the garden. ‘I don’t need to hear statements like that for a start. Not from you!’
Her body bristled and exploded in goosebumps as she felt him move up behind her unexpectedly. His torso brushed her back lightly as his hand slid down a strand of loose hair. They both knew nothing more could be said, and this was prolonging the pain.
‘I will do whatever it takes. Whatever you want. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.’ He turned her slowly to face him, coming close almost enough to touch their noses. Gazing at her as he pulled together his thoughts. ‘Is that all? Nothing else you need from me?’
She shrugged, unsure what else he could do to make the pain disappear, but at least it was a start.
‘There’s one thing that I want... Something that I think we both need. To say goodbye properly. To always remember, even when you’re looking at me like you hate me.’ He smiled softly, his hand coming to her cheek gently. His eyes locked on hers, sending a thousand tiny fireworks across her skin. Her body trembled in anticipation.
‘What?’ Her breathless response indicated she already knew the answer as he moved towards her, slowly tilting her chin and rubbing his nose against hers. Lingering to breathe her in and looking into her dark brown eyes. He bent down towards her, kissing her slowly, gently at first and full of meaning. A slow brushing together, a parting of lips as he moved in and captured her fully. He deepened the kiss as his arms moved around her to encircle her against him.
It was one of those long slow, tender kisses you read about in romance novels. So much more meaningful than hot fiery open-mouthed snogs. This was the kind of kiss you remembered for a lifetime that plagued your sleep on those restless nights when you least wanted it to. Their mouths fit perfectly, with effortless motion and the deepest rising of emotion from the pit of her stomach.
It was the worst kind of goodbye because it only highlighted the perfection of their compatibility. She had longed for the touch of his lips again. Ached to feel him around her in that soft, tender way, cradling her and making her feel safe and loved. She didn’t want it to end, and it seemed neither did he. They kissed until tears began to slip down her cheeks and then some before he finally broke away. Smoothing back her hair and wiping the wetness from her face. His eyes raw with emotion, he stared into her eyes for a long moment, his thumb brushing her cheek as he cradled her face one last time. Pulling back regretfully, slowly, as though he just couldn’t let her go willingly, he turned and left without a backwards glance, almost as though he couldn’t.
Leaving her feeling cold and empty, and desolate.
Rose opened the floodgate and cried in a way she thought she had exhausted over the weeks.